Learning to live with ...."mourning the living"
My husband was on the phone with the caseworker. His voice had changed while talking with so I knew something was up. I immediately felt my insides turn upside down and my life was never been the same. As foster/adoptive parents we always hope the children placed in our home are in their "new" forever home. This was NOT the case with our first foster sibiling group. Seven children came from Africa in 2012 as refugees and we recieved them with open arms. After almost five years the older sister along with several of her extended family devised an a plan to get the two youngest children moved in with her. Unfortunately through a series of errors on DHS's part, lies told and believed and extenuating circumstances DHS did reunify Samuel with her in Denver (Luguse stayed, that's another story) During the year of tearing our family apart we sought professional and spiritual counsel. As I cried my eyes out we made the decision not to ask the child to choose a family and said goodbye. We have been grieving "Samuel" ever since and to add to my own sorrow, just heard this older sister moved the family to South Dakota.
To be very honest I have learned to live with my grief and didn't share it until now, as he is alive. As a mother I never go a day without thinking of him. I pray constantly for God's favor on him and his family. I've asked God to forgive my hatred toward his sister (sometimes I'm not very successful in letting it go). It's hard to describe how to mourn a live person, yet foster parents are asked to do this daily. As humans we lament over lost dreams, dashed hopes, ruined relationships, lasp in judgement and bad decisions. All leave us with a gaping hole deep in our being. In the bible, Gospel of John tells that even Jesus wept. GOD tells John in Revelation, "Behold, I will make all things new again". The healer of our soul is God and only He can bring beauty from mourning.
I have allowed myself to share the pain with you as I have heard stories of so many struggling. I suppose some think I am ridiculous as I can still see and talk him via facetime, but my grief is painful and real!
I am healing
post note: As I finish this post one of my new foster daughters yells" mom watch this" with a big smile on her face she jumps im the pool and life goes on!